Down along dark corridors, where coordination chemists lurk,

This thallium stuff in buckets is tossed around like dirt.

And the metallation chemist every time he thallates,

Mixes potions carefully, holds his breath and hesitates,

For fear of dying early, or worse of going bald,

Since there was no cure for thallium poisoning throughout all the world.

No cure, that is, until the day our hero he did gloat,

That he had found, at long last, a thallium antidote.

 

And the metallation chemist every time that he thallates,

Mixes potions carefully, holds his breath, hesitates,

For fear of dying early, or worse of going bald,

Since there was no cure for thallium poisoning known throughout the world.

​

The coordination chemist had a promising career,

But the constant sight of thallium filled his students with a fear.

And he wondered why they all expired while under his command,

“Were they over worked?” he thought, “No, I think I understand.

The reason why my students fade so slowly, one by one,

Is due to that famous oxidant, the one called thallium.”

And so it was with urgent zeal he set to work in haste,

Before his final student expired - he had no more to waste.

 

chorus

 

After years of speculation and experiments that failed,

A cheer of jubilation burst aloud as the chemist wailed:

“Here it is, the Grand Elixir, the greatest blessing ever known,

To prove to all that in my lab the mortality is slowin’.

Think of all the students I can have for ever more,

Saved untimely expiration by my wondrous thallium cure.

It will bring me fame and fortune! In the happy days to be,

Men of every clime and nation will come round to gaze on me.

Chemists in their thousands and scientists of note,

Seeking out the recipe, for my thallium antidote.”

 

chorus

 

He rang his colleagues straight away, told them to come around,

To see a demonstration that would prove his work was sound.

He planned to drink a lethal dose of thallium to be sure,

Just to prove the sterling value of his wondrous toxic cure.

Saying if he drank a pint, back to life he would float,

When he swallowed just a teaspoon of his thallium antidote.

Said the chairman, “If you want to chance it, go ahead, but if you’re doubtful,

Let your healthy student try, we’ll give him just a mouthful.”

                    

chorus

​

So they went and fetched the lad, hauled him forward by the throat,

“My boy,” he said, “Let’s show them we’ve the genuine antidote!”

The lad was promptly syphoned full with a thallium solution,

(Smirked the chairman, “A most efficient way to abolish heavy-metal pollution!”)

Then a sip of antidote was given to afford the boy protection,

As he smiled, somewhat grimly, contemplating his digestion.

Alas it was most puzzling as they watched a half-hour’s spell,

The student was sprawled on the floor, by no means alive or well.

Off dashed the chairman with utmost speed and found it was a certainty,

When analyzed the antidote was mostly oxide of mercury.

 

chorus 

​

Back through dim-lit corridors, the coordination chemist sped,

In search of more brave students, but found they all had fled.

So for some time, the poor professor, found it all most strenuous,

Would his tenure-track position become suddenly more tenuous?

And colleagues were unmerciful with derisive jokes and sneers,

But the chemist pressed ahead despite a lack of volunteers.

And worst of all, despite revisions, the editors still gloat,

For no journal ever yet has published his thallium antidote.

 

And the metallation chemist every time that he thallates,

Mixes potions carefully, holds his breath, and hesitates,

For fear of dying early, or worse of going bald,

Since there was no cure for thallium poisoning known in all the world.

​

++++++++++++++

* With apologies to Banjo Paterson.

   No students where (intentionally) thallated in Lab 128N